Monthly Archives: Jan 2016

I wish I was dead

I’ve felt this way in my adult like more days than not. In the last decade I’ve felt like this on most days.

I should have killed myself by now but I’ve failed. Treatment has failed too.

There have been brief periods when I didn’t feel like this but they’re overshadowed by long periods when I’ve wished I was dead everyday. What’s constant is my wishes for death and what’s rare are those times I haven’t wished for death. What’s even rarer are the days I when I feel like I want to live. Two months of this in the eight years.

It just doesn’t get better. This is a truth from substantial personal experience. This is the truth I’ve been shown by the world I live in.

I beg and pray to god for my death. I do not pray for my life. Death is the light of a very long and dark tunnel.

I have lived enough and loved too much. I have known too much bleakness and despair. I’ve been through too much I couldn’t bear. Life causes too much pain and so did love.

All I have left is an utter hatred of those who betrayed me but this is no reason to live. It is just another reason to die.

I wish I could drop dead now as I write this. I wish I was dead already. It is my only hope and it is a rational hope.

I do not want your pity. I do not want your care. I do not want you.

I want you to kill me. Kill me now. This is all I want from you.


Suicide is real

Some people are blessed in life and others are cursed by it.

This might seem obvious. You know it but you won’t do anything about it.

The greatest curse in life is wanting to die but to continue living against your will. There is nothing worse than this mental state.

All sorts of things can cause suicide. But the people do nothing about it. It is left to the abject uselessness of mental health professions. In their hands the whole suicide system was fucked up.

This is also obvious but the people once again do nothing. Everyone knows that for some people live is a curse but they delegate to the mental health system. The mental health system failed.

Suicide is real. You have to do something about it.

No one should feel suicidal for long

On this issue my vision of a good suicide system is totally different from the current system.

The authors of the current system did not care about the suicidal and the severity of their suffering. Those who chose to engage with the modern system can only get access to drugs quickly in the community. Those who are forcibly treated in hospital can only get drug treatment quickly as well. The role psychiatric hospitals play in the suicide system is so absolutely rubbish that anyone can see how stupid it is and how heartless those involved are.

The use of imprisonment for suicide is a protocol which is as absurd as it is evil. It is the clearest example of the heartless which pervades the current suicide system. Confinement in a psychiatric ward is simply a terrible way to prevent someone from killing themselves and is designed to force acceptance of treatment.

The modern system will do anything to force suicidal people to stay alive but the only quick response to make things better are drugs. These don’t always work and if they don’t then there’s no demonstration of the sense of care which comes from knowing how severe suicide pain is. What I mean is the system doesn’t care how long someone suffers after failed drug treatment.

I base my vision on understanding the extremely severe nature of suicide pain. Rather than focus on just keeping someone alive I believe in ending the pain quickly by any means necessary (and never using force). A core principle is the rapid end of pain by fast and effective treatment, high availability of effective treatment if the first attempt fails and the guarantee of a good death. All are options governed by personal choice. For example an individual can choose to skip treatment and just choose death.

This approach is radically different to the suicide system today. The status quo places no demand of expediency in treatment nor is there a focus on getting it right at the first trial of treatment. Once treatment fails there’s no limit to the profound suffering endured by the suicidal. The means to a good death have been taken away by the efforts of those who believe that no one should kill themselves no matter how awful their suffering is or how rational a choice it is. Suicide isn’t a crime but it’s treated like one by a system which cares nothing for the pain but focuses on prolonging life no matter how awful that life is.

I can draw here from my current personal experience. I want to die but have failed. The system would do anything to keep me alive and in suffering. It would do anything to achieve these goals despite the fact that it turns my tragedy into a worse tragedy. It thinks torture is OK as do the professionals involved in my ‘care’.

Care is what the suicide system today believes it is doing. Yet care is surely something that doesn’t involve force? My decisions are discounted as if my free choice is worthless. Care also doesn’t make things worse for someone who wants to die.

True care ends the pain quickly. True care defers to my wishes. True care would stop me from ever wanting to die and would never drag out my suffering if it failed its other objectives.

The current system is like an enemy or a tyrant. It doesn’t care how bad the suffering gets. It doesn’t respect my decision to die but instead uses force and other more subtle forms of control to prolong my agony. It cares nothing for increasing my suffering and it’s attempts to reduce my suffering are not quick or effective. It chooses the option of maximum suffering for me. It would force me to endure torture. Not end it.

My enemy would cause me suffering. My friend would end it.

My enemy would make hell. My friend would prevent it or end it.

You can have my life. I don’t want it.

Of course I can’t transfer my life to someone else, someone who’s willing to endure all types of torture. This idea is about the comparison between legal abortion and still to be legalised assisted suicide.

Abortion is a far greater personal freedom. There the mother makes a decision for a potential life. Assisted suicide is the end of the chooser’s life.

Abortion serves a freedom that women can choose about their body. In practice this means a woman doesn’t have to suffer through bringing to term a life she doesn’t want. She doesn’t have to suffer nine months of pregnancy because this is awful.

The title of this post alludes to an option from abortion. The unwanted life could be loved by childless families. The pregnant woman would be forced to endure pregnancy but nothing more and the unwanted life could be given to those who want it.

Nine months of an unwanted pregnancy is a limit of pain which abortion laws legislate for. It is limited in use by the beginning of being a living organism so it isn’t murder. Perhaps it is and perhaps it’s not but what’s more important is the right of a potential mother to choose to escape nine months of an unwanted pregnancy. Even if there are families which would welcome the opportunity to rear an unwanted life as one they wanted.

Nine months. That’s beyond the limit of pain. Preserving the integrity of the potential life is unimportant. Even if there are families which would gladly welcome another life into their fold.

Abortion might or might not be murder. It isn’t murder because doctors say it isn’t if it’s done early enough. I’m not certain about this but the practical impact is for women to escape nine months of a life they don’t want but would bring a new life into the world. The potential life has no choice but that’s okay because it is a woman’s right to choose.

Consider all this and consider assisted suicide. Consider what is an acceptable limit to torture. Consider the rights of freedom of choice. Consider those things where you in doubt would still err on the side of personal freedom.

I don’t know how bad it feels to bring an unwanted pregnancy to term. I know what it’s like to want to die. I haven’t written this to derogate abortion rights. I wont dictate someone elses hell. I’ve written this for suicide rights.

If abortion rights exist then suicide rights are obvious.

If I was dead I wouldn’t suffer

You want me to suffer. You couldn’t achieve your objective if I was dead. You kept me alive to punish me.

You could legalise assisted suicide but then you’d loose the opportunity to make me suffer.

You believe that torture has a use. It’s the use you get from the evil choice which is to torture me and provide no end to the torture.

Assisted suicide stops torture. It enables a human right to be free from torture and a human right to choose one’s death. But you’ve never cared about human rights and you lack basic human empathy.

There are other reasons why you are monsters and never good. Your tyranny and brutality means assisted suicide is kept illegal.

Your choose my torture.

I would be dead already if I was loved

I would have escaped so much punishment if I was loved. Instead the torture is without limits.

I should angry at those who purport to care. Instead I am reviled by the species I thought I was part of.

Humanity has a habit I can’t stand. It is an addiction to torture. One torture is never enough.

My life was always going to end in suicide. The addiction assured this outcome a very long time ago.

My nightmares are without end or other limit. If I was loved they’d have stopped a long time ago.

They didn’t stop. You didn’t stop. There is no limit to my punishment.

None but death but I wasn’t cared about enough for this either. I have tried to die but I have failed. This is the greater victory for those who want to see me suffer and suffer more.

I was not loved. If I were then I’d already be dead.

Oh god. Kill me…but you do not love me either.

I am not loved.