Why do I beg to be killed?

I want to die. I have wanted to die for a long time. My death has been the thing I most want for far too long.

Suicide is the only solution which could have prevented my life from getting worse. I do not hope for life or beg for it to get better. I hope and pray and beg for my death.

Yet I have failed to kill myself. I’ve tried but I’ve failed. Repeatedly. My failure to commit suicide is my worst failing because it has led to me suffering more than anyone should go through. For years I’ve suffered because I failed to kill myself.

My life, my experiences, are a fate worse than death. My death would have ended my torture so long ago had I succeeded in killing myself. Instead I face the battalions of hell everyday and they punish me for failing to kill myself long ago. But they can’t punish me anymore once I’m dead.

If knowledge is power then I’d already be dead. I know I’ll be safe from the battalions of hell once I’m dead and if I’m not dead then they will keep on punishing me for failing to kill myself. But I don’t have the power to act upon what I know. I have tried and I have failed. The battalions of hell can only punish me if I’m alive and nothing else but my death will stop them yet knowing this hasn’t given me the power I need to kill myself. My failure means the monsters (the battalions of hell) are happy. They can keep revelling in my suffering. They can keep on punishing me and there’s nothing to stop them. They can’t flog a dead horse.

Live and suffer. Die and know no pain. I choose death. If I had the power I would kill myself.

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