The “you should have killed me” phrase is one I often find myself thinking. I also often think that forcing a suicidal individual to live against their will is a travesty which worsens the real tragedy in suicide: the unstoppable and unbearable personal suffering.
Of course I’m part of the problem because I’ve failed to do the right thing for me. I’ve failed to kill myself. It’s the only way I’ll be safe from harm and yet I’ve failed to kill myself.
This failure to commit suicide has resulted in so much suffering. Much more and much worse than anyone should be forced to endure.
I’m not good enough to kill myself but there are monsters who are evil and would force me to live to suffer. They are devoid of mercy and filled with a passion to create hell on Earth for me. The monsters have given me so many reasons to die but their evil is their passion so they keep on making me want to die and I now have even more reasons to die. As if one reason wasn’t enough already.
You should have killed me. I should have killed myself. God should have answered my prayers.