Monthly Archives: Mar 2016

Shelter from the rain…

This is a fairly basic failure. It stems from the abundant evil in all people which manifests in the creation of my suicide pain. It’s because you’re the vermin end of the spectrum of conscious beings.

This is about the absence of protections. There is no shelter for me. Nothing protects me.

In the time of neanderthals they didn’t need protection from the rain let alone protection of their will to live. But I needed to be protected from suicide pain. Nothing was there though. Not for me.

It’s not that my tormentors risked my suicide. They and you sought it. I was and am tormented by people who want me to suffer suicide pain.

The evil this represents is a great reason to die because suicide is the ultimate protection from the evils of man. Suicide arrests the evil when nothing else can. My species is evil and my life has been cursed with their unmitigated evil. Nothing will stop my tormentors from doing what they do best. But my death certainly will.

I have no shelter from the rain. You made sure of it.


Why do I beg to be killed?

I want to die. I have wanted to die for a long time. My death has been the thing I most want for far too long.

Suicide is the only solution which could have prevented my life from getting worse. I do not hope for life or beg for it to get better. I hope and pray and beg for my death.

Yet I have failed to kill myself. I’ve tried but I’ve failed. Repeatedly. My failure to commit suicide is my worst failing because it has led to me suffering more than anyone should go through. For years I’ve suffered because I failed to kill myself.

My life, my experiences, are a fate worse than death. My death would have ended my torture so long ago had I succeeded in killing myself. Instead I face the battalions of hell everyday and they punish me for failing to kill myself long ago. But they can’t punish me anymore once I’m dead.

If knowledge is power then I’d already be dead. I know I’ll be safe from the battalions of hell once I’m dead and if I’m not dead then they will keep on punishing me for failing to kill myself. But I don’t have the power to act upon what I know. I have tried and I have failed. The battalions of hell can only punish me if I’m alive and nothing else but my death will stop them yet knowing this hasn’t given me the power I need to kill myself. My failure means the monsters (the battalions of hell) are happy. They can keep revelling in my suffering. They can keep on punishing me and there’s nothing to stop them. They can’t flog a dead horse.

Live and suffer. Die and know no pain. I choose death. If I had the power I would kill myself.

I imagine a future when no one begs for death

This might seem like the least important thing but it is invaluable. It is a future when humanity matures to become humane. It is when liberty reaches its apex and mercy is king.

I wish I was there now. I live in a terrible time. I do not want to live in it.

It is a time when the right to choose one’s death doesn’t exist and neither do the necessary protections to prevent the suffering which causes most suicides. The law is at its worst and demonstrates the heartlesssness of the law makers when it comes to suicide.

The right to choose when and how one dies is an essential right of conscious existence. It is the ultimate limit to personal pain be it the pain near the end of life or any other state of pain.

Yet in this time there’s a merciless heartlesssness which pervades through culture, law and politics. The criminalisation of assisted suicide is a sign of a much wider evil.

There’s a saying which says “beggars can’t be choosers” and so many suicidal people are beggars because they can’t choose a good death. The prevailing wisdom would see suicidal people be forced into using the worst suicide methods in an attempt to keep them alive.

Suicide prevention represents an ugly form of duress which would use any means to force suicidal people to stay alive and this includes imprisoning them in psychiatric wards. Psychiatric wards are no place for suicidal people and imprisonment has no place in the suicide system.

Suicide is a beggar’s choice but it is a uniquely effective solution for a suffering individual to get what they want (the end of suffering). When nothing else can end the pain there is the blessed option of suicide to prevent anymore suffering. Suicide is a decision to end the pain at any cost. This should be obvious but instead of meeting the need the prevailing wisdom disregards the individual’s suffering and would even add to it.

A cruelty of monsters rules and reigns in this time. The monsters are inhumane. The attitude to suicide is a sign of these monsters whose tyranny prevails.

I live in a time when humanity is a monstrosity.  Perhaps you could empathise with a slave from centuries ago but you can not empathise with me. A slave I am to the people who would rather keep me alive to suffer than make possible my free choice.

I do not want to suffer but the monsters want me to suffer. I want to die but the monsters have no mercy. I live amongst torturers who deal in despair and know no mercy. Suicide is the mercy from monsters who cannot be fought against.

The monsters will never stop. They can’t because if they could show mercy then they’d be less monsters. The monsters create hell because they’re monsters and that’s all they can do.

Suicide is the last form of power for the powerless. It is the final recourse from all monstrosity in any given time. That is, of course, except from the monsters who prevent suicide and criminalise the angels of mercy who would perform assisted suicide.

Oh god. Kill me.

If the pain was going to stop it would already have stopped

This title is a statement of hopelessness which a lot of suicidal people will feel.

Not every suicide is about escaping a present pain. Obviously some people kill themselves to avoid a future pain as well as present pain. The title evokes the hopelessness of a pain which won’t stop and the powerlessness of the victim to make it stop.

People who feel like this and want to die are making a natural, rational choice. It’s from the same sort of instinct which pulls hands out of a fire. To stay in the fire is too painful but whereas the physical instinct to draw away from intense pain is easily achieved it’s not so easy when it’s intense psychological pain.

There’s a dearth of merciful escapes from intense psychological pain but thankfully there’s suicide which is – or should be – available and effective. The words “should be” are there because the mercilesness pervades the act of suicide too.

What is a blessed last resort for every conscious life is corrupted by people, professionals and organisations which try to force suicidal people to keep living by making good suicide methods difficult or impossible to use. They also keep up the criminalisation of assisted suicide as another heartless, merciless method to achieve their objective of sustaining all life no matter the individuals decision to live or die. It is a belief which warps sanctity of life and corrupts it to keep people living hopeless shitty lives in suffering.

Of course the mental health system offers treatment but some suicidal people don’t engage with it. They don’t engage because the system can’t offer anything useful. Drugs and words aren’t what some people need. They need a way to stop the pain. They need power not prescriptions or empty words.

People also don’t engage with mental health treatment because they don’t want to be dissuaded from killing themselves. The mental health system is not made for suicidal people. If anything it tries to restrict them by imprisoning them in psychiatric hospitals as well as forcing them to live by blocking access to good suicide methods. It is so absurd that even therapists are people who should not be trusted if you’re suicidal because they can give the information to other mental health professionals who have the power to imprison you.

If you want to die then I recommend you avoid everything the mental health system has to offer because it’s not on your side. It doesn’t even prioritise quick access to therapists for those who want one nor does it focus on quick acting and effective treatment. The science isn’t focused enough to get the right treatment straight away for most people. The selection of drug options is ridiculously small. It’s a shambles if you want treatment and outright evil if you simply want to die.

The Samaritans are your best bet perhaps because they purport to be confidential but a lot of suicidal people aren’t looking for someone to talk to. They want their suffering to stop and words aren’t effective. They’re the premier suicide organisation in Britain but they’re not on the side of the suicidal because they don’t support the legalisation of assisted suicide. Their inaction makes them part of the evil in the suicide system which is based on tyranny rather than liberty or empathy. All they offer are words and there are some suicidal people who want what they offer.

Those who are certain they want to die and therefore have no interest in treatment which is designed to dissuade them from killing themselves. It’s a difficult decision which only needs fulfillment not more crappy words from crappy people. The anti suicide tyrants make things worse by their efforts to continue the criminalisation of assisted suicide. They deny the right to a good death and to have full free choice in death so the suicide system is to be avoided if you are certain you want to die. The system relegates suicidal people to the worst deaths. Alone, painful, unreliable deaths. (Oh God. Just thinking about it makes me want to die to be far away from the evil. It forces more hopelessness on the hopeless.)

One day you might find yourself facing a life pain which is too awful to endure. The last thing you will want is more mercilesness and cruelty. One day you might feel the hopelessness which is touched upon in the title of this post. The last thing you’ll want is more hopelessness and cruelty but the suicide system doesn’t give a shit about how you feel or how profoundly awful you feel.

The suicide system is devoid of empathy. This includes the worthless pity offered by therapists and other mental health professionals. They just offer worthless platitudes which aren’t based in empathy. If you want to live they’re on your side but if you want to die they’re no better than an enemy. An enemy of the freedom to choose in life and in death.

If empathy was the basis of the suicide system and the pervading attitude on suicide which is held by the public, politicians and mental health professionals then the system would be entirely different as would the cruelty.

It is fundamentally flawed because of this and the pervasive cruelty. The anti suicide movement would rather have you suffer more because that’s their idea of morality. Like slave owners and rapists they don’t care about your freedom to choose. They’re tyrants who force their will upon you and your suffering doesn’t matter to them. They’d imprison suicidal people to keep them alive and that isn’t the limit of their evil.

One day you’ll meet a pain you can’t face. You’d want to stop it and you’d be willing to do anything to escape including ending your own existence. The last thing you’ll want is for things to get worse. The thing you want might be suicide treatment but the system is woefully inadequate. You might also just want to die but the system and its creators are woefully evil.

It’s all the more woe for you once you hit that point where you know you can’t do anything to stop the torture which has destroyed your will to live. The sense of powerlessness is truly awful to feel but the suicide system and mental health system are geared to make this worse if you’re certain that you want to die.

The worst thing to do is make a suicidal person feel worse yet this is what happens far too often. The hell makers have had a lot of successes. They make sure there’s more sadness for those who’ve already lived through too much sadness. They do not fight for a limit to suffering nor the fast, effective solutions to extreme suffering nor the personal freedom to end extreme suffering with a good death. My suffering has no cost to them and neither has yours.

What if there’s something you want to do that others don’t want you to do?

This child like statement is the essence of personal liberty and human rights. It’s also about friendship. A friend wouldn’t force their morals onto you and a good friend would help irrespective of their personal opinion.

This is also about suicide, the suicide system and suicide rights. Freedom is the freedom to make a mistake and it’s the freedom to choose something for yourself even if everyone else doesn’t want you to.

The personal nature of torment should not be underestimated

Shakespeare understood this. Romeo and Juliet ends in suicide. They kill themselves because their love is forbidden.

I admit I’ve wanted to die because of lost love. I don’t understand how other people survive the loss of love. It has torn me apart for years. Clearly I’m better off if I never love again.

But isn’t that an awful life? To have to stay away from falling in love is not a future I could handle but I can’t handle the pain of lost love. I don’t fall out of love quickly. Instead I burn inside for periods of time which are much longer than the brief period of being in love.

This isn’t the only reason I want to die but just like the others it’s reason enough for suicide. It is a curse to suffer so much once love is lost and it has been a profound torment. It made me want to die because I couldn’t handle the psychological pain. But to live without love or hope of love is an equally awful torment worth suicide instead of the awful future.

This issue of the curse of loving and the loveless future might not seem so bad. I’m sure some readers might think it to be a minor problem hardly worth mentioning let alone dying to escape. There’s a commonly held misnomer that there are certain reasons to die which aren’t acceptable.  This is what the anti suicide movement thinks about all reasons to die but I think that the public do see some reasons for suicide are valid.

I see all reasons as valid. The source of the pain is important for suicide treatment and prevention but not for validating suicide and sanctioning an assisted suicide. For me the important question is not why someone wants to die but what choice they make about enduring the torment or ending it. For me it is sufficient to hear the words “enough is enough!”

I care about what a suicidal individual wants done. If they want to talk they can talk but if they simply want to die I would want to help them get the best quality death they can get. For some it might be enough to take a suicide pill on their own but someone else might want to die with their loved ones around them. Some people may want an assisted suicide if they have no loved ones but don’t want to die alone.

It’s the psychological state of suicide pain which I abhor and the avoidance of this mental state is paramount. There are many reasons why people choose suicide but the pain is beyond all other pain. It is so awful that continued existence is impossible for the individual suffering suicide pain.

To force a suicidal individual to live is an act of torture. The misnomer is that some suicidal individuals can’t get a legal assisted suicide because their reasons to die aren’t good enough. It’s one of the reasons that all assisted suicide is illegal because it stops the scope creep of legalising limited forms of assisted suicide like assisted dying (assisted suicide only for terminally ill people) which could be a step towards assisted suicide for all people.

I believe there is only legal assisted suicide for all. I don’t believe in weighing up the reasons. I care about the awfulness of suicide pain and not worsening it. I believe the decision to die is sufficient evidence of the severe nature of the pain.

It’s an extreme view which I believe to be extremely humane. Obviously it is the diametric opposite of the prevailing anti suicide movement’s agenda which has been victorious in keeping all assisted suicide illegal.

I believe in a proactive suicide system but one whose sole goal is to prevent the torment of suicide pain. Reasons matter for a proactive approach to stopping suicidal ideation. That’s not what I’m discussing here. I’m talking about a reactive system with the same goal. Suicide stops the pain.

I believe in a proactive suicide education system which empowers the freedom to choose one’s death. In the absence of this those who want to die today should still be granted their freedom to die and their freedom to make a mistake despite the catastrophic consequence of death.

Aiding someone to die is an act of love

Forcing someone who wants to die to keep living is cruel.

This way of thinking about suicide is totally absent from suicide policy.  It may seem like an oversimplification to see it so black and white. It’s still a better truth than any of the principles which the modern suicide system is built upon.

The lie at the centre of the modern suicide system is that suicide is bad and suicide for mental health reasons is irrational. The lie is that suicide prevention works to put barriers up between those who want to die and good suicide methods. The inequities of society and culture are irrelevant.

Most of all perhaps is the pure bullshit that says those who would help suicidal individuals to get the best death are criminals. This is absurd and untrue. The greater crime is prolonging the profound suffering of suicidal people against their wishes. To do so is the hallmark of tyranny.

Killing someone who doesn’t choose to die is murder. In modern the victim has no choice. The suicidal choose suicide because it’s only choice and nothing else guarantees the end of all suffering like suicide. It is a forced choice in someways because there’s only worse with the other option which is to endure rather escape the suffering. The source of the suicide pain is too awful to endure and the victim is powerless to stop it so suicide is the only viable option.

But it is also a blessing because of this power to end pain. It is the guaranteed solution to prevent anyone from living through hell on Earth. It conquers all evils in this life and it protects the unprotected from the tyrannies of evil which exist today and in the future. It saves when nothing and no one will.

The individual always has the choice to live and those who are morally opposed to suicide can choose to refuse assisted suicide. It is their free choice. Those who want to die are also free to choose in a suicide system built on empathy, liberty and perhaps even love.

If I was to err I would err against policing suicide

In this area of life and death there should be no tyranny which causes suicidal individuals to face more powerlessness. Individuals should remain free of force, coercion and manipulation.

I feel this way because I’ve been through it. Powerlessness is frequently felt in suicidal minds. The current system only adds to the powerlessness and it makes things worse.

No suicide system should make things worse for suicidal people. To make things worse is hallmark of evil. It isn’t the perfect answer but in the absence of a perfect answer I believe it is the best there is.

At the moment there’s a rubbish suicide system and it’s rubbish most of all because it’s based in psychiatry based mental health. It is a system which doesn’t care if it makes things worse for the suicidal. It is not based in empathy. It is based in tyranny and it always seeks to police suicide to prevent suicidal people from successfully killing themselves. It denies that suicide is rational and riminalises the people who would assist a suicidal person to die.

I believe one day in hell is a day too many. This informs my views on suicide, suicide prevention, suicide treatment, assisted suicide and human rights. Especially human rights. A free man can choose to endure their suffering or choose to end it. If they choose to die then it is good because it means one less person is living through another day of hell.